I confess, I'm messed up.

She swears the moon don't hang quite as high as it used to

2007-12-23T02:41:55Z

Holy shit. I haven't updated this thing since this time last year.
so its about three days til christmas, and the feeling is back.
the feeling of being lost, confused, grief, guilt, loneliness..all mixed into one.

Even though its been over a year since my mom's been here, it still hurts just as much as it did when i first found out. It sill kills when reality comes in and proves that she's not here.
I'm perfectly fine in my own little world where she's only just down the road. But there are little moments that i realize, i can't call her, i can't go visit, i can't buy her a christmas gift.
The other night for my cousin's birthday, our entire family was together for the first time since her memorial. It was, my sisters, my dad, my mom's sister and her husband, my cousins, and my mom's brother and I. As i looked around the table at dinner, it made my heart sink. Just the thought of her not being there when she should have been.

I can't help but think of all the things she will be missing, important parts of my life.
like helping me dress for homecoming/prom. my graduation, my wedding day..everything she should be there for, but she isn't.
I think subconsciously, one of the reasons i didn't want to go to homecoming this year, was the fear of how much it would hurt when i'm getting ready and she isn't there to help me like she was with my sister.

Every Christmas, i know it will feel the same..
Every year, every month, every day, every hour, every minute, every second.. I'll wish for her to be here with me.
But the truth is, she's never going to be.
I have many more years until i can see her again.. and i know that those years will feel like hell. no matter how happy any moment is, no matter how great my life is going.. i will always be the sad little girl inside who lost her mother to her mother's demons.

i love you mommy.

and I would have stayed up with you all night, if i'd known how to save a life..

2006-12-24T01:59:07Z

Wow, so Tomorrow is Christmas eve.

This year, Christmas isn't as magical as it used to be.
Come to think of it, last year wasn't either.

Last year, i was upset because i knew i wouldn't be spending Christmas with my Mom.
This year, I'm upset beacuse i know I wont' ever be spending Christmas with my Mom ever again.

It wasn't supposed to be like this.
I'm not supposed to be crying with Christmas right around the corner.
I should be happy.
I should be able to call my mom on Christmas and talk to her.
I wish i could just talk to her.

God, if only she knew. If only she would have thought about things like this.
If only she thought about how it would completly ruin Mine, and my sisters lives.

I can't believe its been 3 months already.
I hate that i count this, it just makes it harder on myself.

I can't help it tho. I don't know what i'm gonna do on my birthday.
or when it comes to 1 year.

I'm so afraid that everyting that reminds me of her, is just someday gonna disappear.
I'm so afraid that i'm going to forget all the memories.
That i wont' have anything to remember her by.

I wish that i could be like Adam Sandler in Click, that i could just rewind time to the last time i saw my mom.
If only i knew that would be the last time i saw her.

She was sleeping on our couch downstairs and the next thing i know, My aunt and Grandpa are telling me that she commited suicide.

She seemed fine that night before, sure a little upset because her and billy were fighting, but fine none the less.
I think she knew. I really do.
Because she acted like nothing happened.
And she just wanted to spend time with us.
But if she knew, she would have said I love you to me.
She would have said everything that she ever needed to say.

I don't get it. How can you do something like that to yourself?
To everyone else.
I think it is the most selfish thing anyone can do.

Oh well, Here's another Christmas without her, crying over her.
And there is gonna be a whole hell of a lot more.

I think i've already lost you, I think your already gone..

2006-10-13T23:21:50Z

Wow, So a whoooollle lot has gone on since i have last updated.
Why is it that the last couple updates have been sad ones? I'm so sick of being sad.

Anyways, Yeah so.. The last update, i was at my mom's house.. I would give anything to be at my Mom's house with her right now.

I hate having to say this, but i have to face reality ..

On Friday, September 15, 2006.. My mom Linda Knaub, took her own life.

You know, For awhile, I didn't think my life could get worse than it was.. but believe me, it can. It really really can.
I miss my mom more than anything in the world.

I'm so angry about everything, but i'm compltely devestated.
I hate the way my life is.
I really do.

I know i sound like some sort of whiney little emo kid. but its how i feel. and hey, for the moment being, i am pretty emo.

Like i said before, I'm so angry about this.. I'm terribly upset, but i'm so angry. I hate suicide, it always leaves you with so many questions that you will never get the answers for. Like, Why? or how could you do this to me?

I hate the fact that my mom will never get to see me graduate, get married, have a family. Everything. I hate it.
I remember, my mom told me before that my Grandma lost her dad when she was 12. I remember thinking, That must be horrible, i don't think i could ever go through loosing a parent that young. And now i am. It sucks, it really does. it really fucking does.
I keep thinking, You know, MY mom lost her mom, and it was the worst thing that ever happened to her. How the freak do you think she is making me, mandy and missy feel? My mom lost Grandma because Grandma was sick. My mom did this to herself. As much as i hate it, i blame my mom for everything. I really do. I hate crying every day and every night.
I hate waking up knowing that She's not here. That i can't call her. That i can't be like 'hey i'm going down to mom's this weekend.'

and now our family isn't even letting us talk to Billy. I hate that. They hate him and i dont' know why. They dont' know billy, they really don't. This one day, our entire family had this HUGE fight. about everyting. and my uncle kept saying "You know girls, The last five years of your mom's life, were just a spec. They weren't anything to special." and i later on said to my dad, "You know, Uncle Ed kept saying that the last five years of mom's life didn't matter, but you know what, they matter to me. The last five years is ALL i can remember of my mom. Thats all i remember and thats all i'm ever gonna have."

So i have this voice mail on my phone from my mom. It says "Hey Loser, I'm on number 8 of Reba Mcintyre's number 8 countdown, and your not here with me, Thanks alot." It makes me cry everytime i hear it, and i'm so afraid that one day, i won't have it anymore. Everytime i want to hear her voice, i just listen to that. Missy said how jealous she was that i have that. And i'm so glad that i do. Its the last thing i have left of my mom.

So to end all this, i just want to say.
To quote her own words.

"Your not here with me, Thanks a lot. "

I wanna have the same last dream again, the one where i wake up and i'm alive.

2006-07-15T04:47:39Z

So i've been thinking. About pretty much everything. I've been having all these random thoughts that make no sence at all.

I've been thinking about Life, and death mostly.You know its weird, how right now we are alive and full of life but no one seems to have figured it out. Like why is there life and what is the meaning of it all. Why do things turn out they way they do and do things really all happen for a reason? If so, then why is life so cruel? Why do young people who are full of life and happy have to die?
My mom's neighbor, Zack, had just died on June 9th, also the same day we finished school and the night of Mandy's graduation. My mom saw him that day too, Her and billy were driving up for Mandy's graduation and they passed him on the rode. He had to of been drunk because he was on the wrong side of the road. But i guess later on that night he was driving home from somewhere and he crashed. He hit a telephone pole and flipped his truck a few times and broke his neck. Its really a tradgedy. My mom said that she will always remember him as the happy Zack he was, always with a smile on his face. My mom can't believe he's gone, he was a part of her everyday life. She would look out the window and see that Zack was home or see him on the street and say hello. And even during my visits down there, even though i have never met him, he was still a part of my everyday. I would also look out the window and think "well, Zack's home" I can't believe something like this happened to someone that young, he was 22. It made me think, what if it had been me? What if it had been my sisters or one of my friends?
It's weird though, have you noticed that when you think aobut life, Death always seems to come up. Its the first thing you think of when you think about life.
But death, Death is complicated. I was thinking about Heaven and the afterlife. You know how people say "Don't worry, You'll see them in heaven someday." when someone passes away? But what if there isn't a heaven? What if you never do get to see that someone again? I don't understand how a statement like that is supposed to bring someone closure. And the statement, "They're in a better place." What if they're not? How can you tell someone that, when really, you don't have any answers. I guess the entire conclusion to this is, Life is full of unanswered questions.

I was also thinking about ghosts lately. To me, ghosts are awesome. I think they are the coolest thing ever. My Mom and I were talking about them today. We said how we think that the only thing even remotly scary about ghosts are the fact that they are dead people. Other than that, Ghosts have never really hurt to many people. But what i don't get is how people can be scared about seeing a ghost of someone they love and care about. What if you see a ghost of your grandmother who you were close to, would you be scared? I wouldn't be. I know my grandma would never do anything to hurt me. I would be in awe. I would try and talk to her, maybe get some answers to all these questions. I think ghosts are the only people who even have the real answers. They are the ones in the afterlife, not us. So why are we trying to find everything out while we're still alive? Why don't we just live our lives like we want to and then when we die, we can come back and tell the people who are still alive answers about death and the afterlife. I know thats what i'm gonna do. Along with that, I'm gonna bug people when i'm a ghost. I wanna be known as a ghost who plays tricks on people. Before me and my sister were talking about when we're ghosts. We decided that when we die, we are gonna haunt which ever one of us is still alive by flicking their lights on and off. Because you know its gonna bug the hell out of them. We were joking around by saying if that happens to us after one of us dies we'll just laugh because we know its the other one and we will have some comfort by knowing that they ARE still with us.
All my faith goes to ghosts. A few years ago, it was 2 months after my grandma passed away, we went on a vacation to flordia and got stuck in hurrican charley. While we were hiding out from the hurricane in a gas station my aunt said how she thinks that Grandma is with us. I told her how i KNEW she was with us. I could just feel it. Grandma would never let us get hurt in something like that. She would do everything in her power to get us to saftey. I think the only thing that would of made me more sure that my grandma was with us that day was if i were to see her ghost. Of course i didn't but that would have been freaking awesome!

So i'm sorry if you just read that and through the entire thing you thought "what the hell is she even talking about?" But to tell you the truth, I don't care if you did or not. I just needed to let out all my thoughts. They have been on my mind for awhile now and even after i post this, they will still be.

Here's to the liars and the cheaters and the cold mis-treaters..

2006-06-18T01:09:40Z

So, I take it no one loves me, because No one comes here anymore.
This is prolly gonna be my last update for some time.. Blogs are getting old.

*School's over. I miss everyone sooo much! Can't wait till next year! I hate being stuck at home all day!

*I'm finally 13! woot! My birthday was like a week ago. My dad got me this awesome stereo, and missy got me jewlery, and Mandy got me a crosss thing you hang on your window.. its cool.

*Mom didn't get me anything, but i did get to see her. I saw her the day before my birthday and she said that she wasn't gonna come up for my birthday bc my dad was already gonna take me out, and that got me really upset. we were at Mandy's baccalaureate.. or however you spell it, and i didn't stop crying until way after we got home. Then I guess Mandy called my mom, and told her i was upset and crying, so my mom talked to me and said that if i reallly wanted her to, she would come up. So we decided that instead of my dad taking me out for dinner, my mom was. Then the day after my birthday my dad took me out to dinner so it was all good.
I really miss my mom. I reallllly want to see her, but i refuse to go down to Billy's house.

*I'll be honest, thinking about all this made me start crying.

*Tomorrow is Mandy's graduation party. All my dad's side of the family is coming over.

*I reallly don't feel like typing anymore.. so check out the myspace.
www.myspace.com/jazelynn

<3 Jaceyy

Crazy life, fueled by Crazy dreams ..

2006-04-16T15:49:14Z

Sarah, and Nikki ... I love you guys .. You two are still the only ones that ever come here..

Well , here's the low down in Jacey's life ..

*I gots a cold .. and it stinks ! =' (

*We have a long 5 day break for Easter .. or I mean its "Spring" break .. We can't say easter bc it might .. affend people ..

*I'm spending it at my Momma's house ..

*I just did my make-up nd hair and I look amazing .. and i'm not even going newhere, so there is no point to me even doing it..

*I'm listening to Ingram hill , An amazing band that opened for Hanson on the Underneath Tour ..

*I'm like the only single one of my friends anymore, Nikki is with sir luke and Samantha is with little Peffer ..

*Me and Nikki have gangsta names .. haha ..

Nikki Cent + Juh-twizzle = Freaking amazing !

Me and nikki have decided that in one of our late night talks that i love oh so very much !

Well, I'm gonna go .. do something..

Peace out on the east side..

xo jcee

I'm singing for her fairytales ..

2006-03-25T23:54:14Z

Sarah Smith, once again i want to thank you for being the only one to come here ..

Okay so here is the low down :

*Joey = Death ..

*Hung out with Grace nd Kim today

*Went to the movies with Grace and Kim yesterday and saw "she's the man " and we made a new friend .. haha

*Weekend started out great but turned bad

*As of right now, My mom is missing ..

*Mom and Billy are fighting again ..

*Last weekend went to Mom's house and had an amazing time .. i really needed to relax

*People have been reading my sites, who shouldn't be .. *cough cough*

*I look absolutely adorable today !

*My life is extremely boring

*It is eerily quiet in my room .. eww ..

*Now I'm listening to a song that reminds me of my Mom and kinda makes me want to cry ..

*PSSA's last week .. PSSA = Death ...... Pssa = tests = thinking = work = early in the morning = DEATH

*Got a pic on here, finally .. its cute .. i love it .. be jealous , you know you want to ..

*I'm gonna go do something and try to not think about things so much ..

Xo jcee

she says "somedays i feel like shit, somedays i wanna quit"

2006-03-12T23:39:37Z

Sarah Smith, Have i mentioned to you lately that i freakin love you? well..i do! Your like the only person that EVER comes here!!! if it wasn't for you i would NEVER update this thing!

So here's the low down in miss Jacey Knaub's life....

*Ethan = Death.... as sarah would say...

*I'm going out with Joey, who is amazing i might add..

*I've been hangin out with Sarah, Stacey and Kaylyn in class nd such and i freakin love them ! They are amazing! soo many fun times... like Acting Gangster, and ART class and Library and Moose-Aye and Shnalex and like kaylyn's little breathy laugh thing! haha and at the dance with JACEY DOESN"T HAVE A BOYFRIEND!! (haha yeah right..i do now!) and like Besides Death, friends should be caring...lol ..I freakin love you girls!

*School = lame and boring when i'm not hangin out with my girls!

*this past weekend has sucked major ass hole...

*Mom's fighting with Billy again

*haven't seen my mom in like 2 weeks..i miss her!

*Saw "the hills have eyes" with my dad on Friday...It sucked major ass hole like this weekend..

* Today's my daddy's birthday!

*Saw "final Destination 3" like 2 saturdays ago with Joey..Good movie..but the first one is still the best..

*I've been a mega- super- bitch to my family lately..i don't know why..

*I can't stand my sister's boyfriend..

*I can't stand either of my sisters, All their lives revolve around nemore is Weed and cigerettes..

* I'm somewhat fighting with Mandy..

*I was supposed to hang with Grace and Kim on Friday but i didn't...

*PSSA testing is coming up in school....

* PSSA = DEATH

* Marnie and Caitlin are here..Oh YAY!

* ^^ Uses major sarcasam!

* I'm gonna go..

* Check out my xanga... www.xanga.com/Misleading_To_Nowhere

xo jcee

This is so messed up..

2006-01-30T22:42:52Z

Okay..whenever i update its always off of my xanga..haha

wow..i just looked at how much i need to put in here..So heres a warning..this is gonna be a long update..

..........:....... Jan. 17, 06

Okay so..here is what happend today..

Grace asked Ethan out for me at lunch like she said she would..he just kind of got all embarrassed and laughed..but all his friends said yes, kind of like what we do when ppl ask Kim out for Zac. and all Zac's friends asked Kim out for Zac and she said yes, kinda..well atleast we said she did haha.. So here is what happened after lunch.. I wrote all of this in a convo with Nikki..

Jcee x3 Maria: well after lunch..Shane and Chad came up to me and were like "Ethan wants to ask you out but he's to shy"

Jcee x3 Maria: Okay, So they were like "He's to shy to ask you out" and Chad is like "So we're asking you out for him, what do you say?" and me being me, i was like "tell him to ask me himself" and then in Social studies and spanish it was realli awkward being near him. and now my entire class knows i like ethan, and in science Ethan usually sits in the back but there was no one in front of him so he moved up like 3 seats and sat next to me. and i wrote a note to you and sammi and he was like "let me read those" so i did, and then i was hangin out with him and joey all mod..and then after science i was going to my locker and Desiree came up to me and was like "I mean Jacey, Ethan is cute and everything but he can be a real jerk sometimes." i was like I know but hes not mean to me. and then Shane was like "Jacey, Ethan is scared of you." I was like "why, I'm nice!" he was like "yeah but he's scared to ask you out." i was like "well then just tell him to write a note or something.." and then i found a picture of me on one of those id cards for when you go missing that they hand out and i go "here shane have a picture of me." and he goes "I'm gonna give this to ethan." and he did but then when i was talking to grace in the lunch room waiting to get picked up shane came up to me and was like "Ethan has that picture hanging up in his locker!" ........::.....

..........:....

Jan 18 2006

So here is what happened today!

All day Shane was buggin me about likeing Ethan, even though I woulndn't admitt it..then in 2nd mod i kind of did so he was all like "Do you like him alot or a little?" and he made up all this stuff like he did " do you like him like Africa or United States?" nd i said Austrailia so he was like "so like in the middle?" I was like "yeah." and he said kinda like an oreo cookie..then in math he said a peaunut butter and Jelly sandwhich. so he calls "me nd Ethan" either PB&J even tho he called it EF&J. or oreo..but alot of ppl have caught on but the don't know what it means its realli funny..nd all day ppl have been asking me if I like Ethan and they've been buggin Ethan about it too!

SO here is what happend in science last mod today..I wrote this in a convo with Sammi..

in science last mod..Ethan was sitting next to joey and joey is behind me and Ethan gave me this note and it said "do you like me?" and i wrote back and was like "yeah, do you like me?" and he never gave it back! Ugh! I"m so mad!

.......::.......

I"m not realli mad nemore bc I realized he didn't have time to hand it back to me..but he might tomorrow..or even ask me out tomorrow..nd i'm hoping for both..haha

Dude ppl I don't even talk to are in on this Ethan thing..Like Cory Holtzapple and Alyssa Rudy..kind of odd..but its all good..

...........::.....

Jan 20th 2006

eh..

today was pretty boring! Not much happened..

Ethan still didn't ask me out..nd i'm gettin kinda pissed about it too..

Apparently E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E knows about me nd Ethan..I had like 10 differnent ppl come up to my today and be like "Are you going out with Ethan?" or "break up with Ethan he's a jerk" and "Hey Congrats on you nd Ethan!" But i still must say, the best was "Hey Jacey, I've heard things about you" and my response "Yeah, alot of ppl have!"

So, this weekend is gonna be pretty boring!

............:::..........

Jan 24th 2006

so..

Not much happened today..infact, today was pretty boring!

Ethan realli is starting to piss me off with all this "I'll ask you out soon" and then the "I'm to shy." shit..

I realli hope tomorrow is better, I was realli looking forward to today, but to be completley honest today sucked!

...........::......

Jan 27th 2006

so..

the week started off sucky.. but i must say..it got better..

Ethan still hasn't asked me out. Atleast now he isn't denying the fact that he likes me..

I was walking next to Alyssa in the hall and Ethan was on my on my other side, nd she pushed me into him and then she was like "Hey Ethan, When are you going to ask Jacey out?" he was like "i don't know." and Alyssa being well..Alyssa, was like "OMG..HE SAID I DON'T KNOW!"

So Desiree said that Shane told her that Ethan told him that He was gonna ask me out before the dance, which i might add is next Friday..

Speaking of Fridays...THANK FREAKING GOD IT'S FRIDAY!

I need a freakin weekend sooo bad..I need to like relax and SLEEP! On the Penn State trip we didn't get back till like 11..so i didn't go to bed till late..nd Jacey is not a nice person when she's tired i must say..I know from experience..

Speaking of PENN STATE! The trip was freakin AMAZING!

I had soo much Funn! Hangin with Sarah and Grace nd Kim nd Nikki nd Alyssa! I love them all!

............::.........

and finally this is what i wrote today..and i'm gonna leave you with this..

........:::..........

Weekend was boring..

Realli pissed off right now..well, its more of a confused state then just being plain pissed..

Over the weekend Hannah ((..Who ALSO like Ethan i might add..)) told me that she heard Ethan telling Zack that he wasn't going to ask me..nd apparently it's true..but i don't know what to think..there's been so much shit going on..

Today at lunch we sat next to Ethan's table and all of his friends were like buggin me and were like "Jacey, Ethan likes you."

here is what Kim said to me..

kab083093: yeah after you left at lunch to get your lunch shawn is like hey kim does jacey like ethan and i'm like yeah and he's like yeah well this kid right here is too afraid to ask her out
kab083093: and he looked all shy

kab083093: i'm like if he askes her out she will say yes so you shouldn't be so afraid

But then in science, I was talking to shane and Ethan and we were making our team banner things..and Sarah yelled at Ethan to pay attention to what their team was doing..and then Ethan said something to sarah and sarah was like "She's not your girlfriend yet!" and then someone said something to Ethan along the lines of "When are you going to ask her out?" and i guess he said "never" ..bc Shane was like "Never..." and then i was like.."Never..okay whatever.." and then Shane was like "so your over him..did you move on already?" I was like.."yeah" just because i wanted to drop the subject..

i mean..if ethan doesn't want to go out with me..theres no reason for me to be upset or anything..and then after we went back to our seats..I was talking to Kaylyn bc she sits infront of me now..and we were like Dissing Ethan..and she was like giving him "dirty" looks..but realli they were hilarious..

and then at the end of the day I was talking to Grace about everything with Ethan and Zack heard bc his locker is right next to Grace's and this is what i told kimm..we had a long discussion about everything..It actually put me in a good mood..i guess all i realli need is to talk to someone..

Jcee x3 Maria: at the end of the day..i was talking to grace about it and i was like "yeah Ethan says he isn't gonna ask me out" and Zac was like "Ethan likes you but he's not gonna ask you out." i was like "Why?" he was like "i don't know." I was like (being all sweet too) "Zac..can you ask him why?" He was like "okay!" and Ethan was in the cafeiteria bc hes staying for the basketball game and he asked him and came running up to me nd grace and was like "He likes you but he's to shy to ask you out. He's told me before that he like you. Grace why don't you go ask him out for Jacey." it was cute!

^^ yeah, Zac kinda like hated me for a little bc he was being mean to me at the Penn State game..but i guess he doesn't hate me as much as he put on..

I realli don't know what to think..I'm so confused..I realli wish i could just like..hang with my friends right now..I need to do something to get my mind off things..even for a little..

well..I'm gonna go..

Leave me some love..maybe try to make me feel better..

xox jcee mariia

&& i said..what about breakfast at Tiffany's...

2006-01-13T23:18:38Z

So...here is what i wrote on my xanga..

..............::...........

This week has been amazing! So much stuff has went on with Ethan..and I've been hangin out with Stacey and Sarah alot lately..they are freakin amazing! Grace is gonna ask Ethan out for me on Tuesday..I realli hope I don't get rejected! That would freakin suck! I'm like scared to death!

Today was awesome! I looked awesome..and I was in such a good mood..I was like all talk-ative and just having fun..I was like all smiles today..Normally i look all depressed and suicidal..as Morgan would say..haha..I was like singin and stuff..and then in Science at the end of the day..we played review basketball..and we had to be with our teams and Ethan is in my team so i was hangin with him...and He would do like whatever i told him to do..and I scored like all the points for our team bc we won! whoO! and the I was singing "breakfast at Tiffany's" It's been in my head all day..cuz Mr.Rehmyer played it in first mod..and then Ethan was like..sing that song that Joey always sings..And so i started singin MMMbop..it was realli weird..cuz he never asked me to sing before..and he prolly never heard me sing before!

well..I can't wait for tonight..movies with Sarah And stacey..and then a sleepover! yay! As stacey would say.

............::.........

Stacey isn't going to the movies anymore..but me and sarah will still have an awesome time! I feel so weird..I'm actually doing something with friends..that aren't..my group..

soo all this stuff with Ethan..

I wrote this in a convo with Kimm..

...........::.......

I was hangin out with Ethan and stacey..and Ethan is always mean to her but she had candy so Ethan was buggin her and everytime Stacey got the chance She was like "go talk to your friend Jacey!" and Then he stole my purse and then when he had it he found out i had a phone in there and then i had to attack him for it and he like pulled my desk half way across the room cuz i had ahold of my purse and he wouldn't let go and he kept trying to walk away but he had to pull me with him..it was funny
..........::.......
nd I wrote this..
..........::.........

I got one step closer to going out with Ethan...In S.S..I was hangin out with Stacey and Ethan and Alex and Ethan drew my god person and Stacey's..but he made Stacey give him candy to do it..but he didn't make me give him nething..so..I said that to Ethan and Stacey is like "that's because he likes Jacey." nd he smiled and said no..but stacey was like HE SMILED! nd he blushed..then we were still talking a lil while later and Stacey said something about Ethan liking me and he smiled, blushed and said no..but his voice cracked when he did..it was so cute!
...........::........

Life is flippin amazing right now..I'm actually following through with my new years reslotlutions..1.) Stop biting my nails. and 2.) Make this the best year ever.
and so far I'm doing both..
I just hope next week will be as good as this one was!

xox Jcee Mariia.. I like it with 2 i's

No More Drama in my lfe..

2006-01-13T14:19:47Z

Hey! Guess what! It's day six again! Except this time I'm not in ECO..yet..I'm in Computer CLASS! I have computer ECO after music which is next..so I'll be back..hopefully..I have to do alot of math homework..and I have to do somethings..but if i don't update in ECO..I'll update when i get home..

So..the last couple of days have been freakin A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!! I've been in like the best mood ever! A lot of stuff has happened..I'll write about that either in ECO or At home..but all i have to say..is..Grace has a plan..and that scares the shit out of me..and yes it has to do with a certain someone..

I realli do need to start updating this when it not like..Day 6..

Eww...Today's friday the 13th..I'm like the most supersticious person ever! Hopefully today isn't horrible..
So far it's not..my hair looks cute, my outfit is freakin adorable..and nothing has gone wrong yet..key word..YET!

Well...I'm gonna go do something..Shanes not here so I can't bug him..

xox Jcee MAria

Your just a home town kid like me..

2006-01-06T21:08:44Z

Okay, so I guess I said i would update when I got home..yesterday..but when i got home, i felt like shit bc of this stupid ass cold, I just went to sleep.

So here is what happened.. First, I'll just post what i posted on my xanga about a few things..like Mandy and Missy's fight..I'll just copy and paste, to make it easy on me..

I wrote this on December 21st 2005..

..................:.............

Okay..so.. I wrote all of this in a convo with Nikki..I'm just gonna copy and paste..bc my eye hurts like a bitch..

Jcee x3 Maria: so..we just got home from the Chinese resteraunt with food and Mandy was yelling at me because SHE spilled something..So missy started to yell at Mandy..then Missy was like "Touch me and I'll fucking punch you!" so mandy smacked her and Missy hit Mandy and then they started attacking eachother..and I was upstairs in the the kitchen and they were on the couch..and I ran downstairs and started pulling them apart from eachother and then they stopped..and I was yelling at them..and then they started going at it..and I was like yelling and trying to pull them apart..and then MIssy stopped once i started crying and then Mandy kept going at missy and they kept screaming at eachother..and I was like'FOR FUCKS SAKE JUST SHUT UP! I was like crying and stuff..and i swear to god..someones fingetnail stabbed me in the eye!

Jcee x3 Maria: and it hurts like a bitch..and its gonna be fucked up tomorrow! So..There is my night..if you see me tomorrow at school..and my eye looks horrible..don't be like "OMG WHAT HAPPEND?

.................:..........

By the way, My eye wasn't messed up. Thank God!!

So here is all my christmas and New Years posts..Wrote this one on Jan, 1,2006..

...............:........

So..It's finally 2006! wow..2005, was..such a...LONG year! Way to long! A lot of shit went down that LAST year...it feels so weird to say that!

So..New Years with grace and Kim was fun..but it wasn't as fun as the last few years..All day today all i wanted to do was go home..I was like texting my family and calling them all day..even though..I swear to god..it was "lets not answer our phones when Jacey calls" day..It was realli pissin me off..

So Troxelll came over the other night..It was amazing..I missed him! Me and Missy were cuddling with him all night..He was being all protective of me and stiff..it just made me realize how much i realli did miss him..

Got my ear pierced a few days ago too! On my right ear, on the carilage..it looks amazing! I love it!

........................:....................

Here is the post i wrote today about all the stuff that happened in the last couple days..

.............:...........

Ugh! I have like the worst cold ever..it sucks!! Today I was so out of it, I was drugged up on cold medicine..Joey kept having to make me pay attention by snappin his fingers in front of my face.

I don't know what i would have done today without Joey, Ethan was being an ass, I didn't talk to Shane and I felt like shit..He freakin made this day like 50 times better! I love that boy!

So yesterday we got out early, by like 15 minutes tho. In mod ten like right before it was going to end the princible came on the announcments and told everyone to stay in their tenth mod class. and then like ten minutes later he came on again and said that we all had to leave the building for a "fire" drill..so we stood outside for like 15 minutes. Most people didn't have coats so we were all freakin freezing..Then we were allowed to go back in and were told to go back to out tenth mod class and then the princible came on the announcements again and said we were gonna go home at 2:30 instead of 2:45. So that was cool, but no one knew what was going on..

Then today He came on the announcements again in Homeroom and told everyone what was going on..There was some kind of threat in the boys bathroom. I Heard it said "tick Tick tick..boom.." on it but who knows..

I am so happy its weekend..I feel horrible. I've been like miserable the last couple of days. Being sick flippin sucks!

..........:.....

so..I'm gonna go sleep or something..I feel like complete shit..

xox Jcee Maria

Don't put words up in my mouth, I didn't steal your boyfriend

2006-01-05T15:50:42Z

So..It yet once again. is day 6 and i'm updating in ECO..I should realli start to update more often..

So Christmas was amazing, I got a cell phone, and MP3 player, BONGO DRUMS!!, and last but not least BLACK CHUCK TAYLORS! They are amazing i love them..I got a bunch of makeup and money and all that other stuff too...

Not alot has happened since I last updated..Except..there was new years, and Mandy and Missy attacking eachother..
but I'll get all that info off my xanga when i get home..You can't get to Xanga here at CMS..

Well, ECo seems to be passing quickly since i used most of it doing my math homework..

I'm gonna go, check out some other sites,

xoxo Jcee, I'll edit when i get home..

These are the confessions..of a broken Heart..

2005-12-19T15:58:46Z

So..here I am again! Day 6..In my mr.Holmes room..in ECO

God today sucks..this morning everything that could of went wrong..did..and i was like having a quiet breakdown..it sucked..nd missy stayed home from school today bc she begged dad to let her and that kind of pissed me off.. I was like crying all of this morning for like no reason at all..but if you think about it there realli is a reason behind it...I mean..I believe that there is a reason for everything..

So yesterday I went to my Aunt Chis's Christmas Party and that was surprisingly fun..Then when we were on the way home and Mandy got a call from Billy..i guess he and Mom were fighting and she went back up to my Pap Pap's house with Scibby last night(Saturday night)..and then that morning she called Billy and was threatning to kill herself..which she does now atleast once a month...so everyone is pretty used to it..but everytime everyone gets all worried..So..Billy calls a bunch of ppl like my Pap Pap and my Aunt Brenny..and then he calls Mandy..And when I asked Mandy what was goin on cuz she was acting all weird after she got that phone call..She said that I didn't have to worry about it YET..so I imediattly knew something was going on with mom..Then on the way home from my Aunt's we had to stop in Harrisburg and go to Chico's so Marnie could drop some stuff of and all that good stuff..and while she did that Mandy, My Dad, Missy, Caitlin and I all walked down to Starbucks..which is my favorite place on earth! I LOVE starbucks! But when we were walking down there Mandy and Dad were walking behind me talking about what was going on and I over heard that Mom wanted to kill herself so there goes my desire for Starbucks..so I was like all worried about what was going on..and no one knew that I knew..so once we got home. Mandy and Bone went up to my Mom's house..then they came home and my dad was with them..and I asked my dad what was going on I don't feel like typing that much so here is pretty much our conversation..

Me:Dad, what is going on? ((Keep in mind that I'm like cying at this point))

Dad:What do you mean?

Me:Whats going on with Mom?

dad:What do you mean whats going on with Mom?

me: At the store today, I overheard you and Mandy talking..

dad:What did you hear?

Me: I heard that Mom threatned to kill herself..

And then I just went downstair and sat on the stairs and cried with Caitlin..All my ife..the stairway going to the downstairs was always my place to cry..expecially when my parents were going throught the divorce..thats where I always was..or in my room..I think thats when i developed my hatrid for ppl..

So then I was talking to mandy about it all and she said that everything was alright..and that when she got there mom was sleeping..which realli means she was drunk and drugged up on sleeping pills and was passed out..which is what always happens..

So then all night that was on my mind..and I couldn't sleep and then this morning i guess it all effected me worse than I thought it would..and I was like breaking down crying..and Missy was trying to comfort me..and Mandy was all pissed off about it because I kept saying that today was gonna be horrible..((which it is I might add)) and that I was jynxing here because the cast list went up today and she trieed out for the lead in the musical..Mandy is just Bitchy..all the time..And she doesn't understand me..All she cares about is herself..And thats why me and missy are best friends..we get eachother..

yeah so..I'm gonna go..I have Math next.and it took me like the entire class to type this

xoxo Jcee Maria

Du..Du Hast Mich...

2005-12-08T16:01:51Z

Yes!!!!! only 5 more mintues! Ugh...I feel like I'm dying..just sitting here..tryin to go to different sites..but oh no..they're all blocked on school computers!

Next I have math! Just my favorite subjet.((Note major MAJOR sarcasam!!))

I realli hate math..And I blame it all on Mrs.Clauser..my first grade teacher..she hated me..making me hate school..making me not want to learn how to add or subtract..making me not be able to do it..making me suck at life now..

so..you see..it all goes back to her..If there was one year of school i would take over again..at this age..It so would not be flippin 1st..If anything..if i had to relive any year..it would be 5th grade..that was the best flippin year ever..haha..I say flippin alot!

Well..Only a few more minutes.

later

You left me here to remain with your excuses for everything..

2005-12-08T15:37:57Z

Well, here I am again everyone..In Mr.Holmes room..In Eco..Oh Yay! just my favorite class!!

So...if anyone here in Etters Pennsylvania is out of the loop..It's supposed to snow tonight and tomorrow morning..We're supposed to get like 3-6 inches worth of it! It's gonna be flippin amazing..No matter what. we either have off tomorrow or a two hour delay..which would be fantastic bc that means i only have like 10 min of gym so i don't have to change! Yay! <--- And that wasn't meant sarcastically..so..if it snows tomorrow and we have off Nikki McNikkiStine is gonna come down and we're gonna hang out..maybe even go sledding.Omg..I wanna go sledding so much! I haven't been snowing since like 2 winters ago..

So last night me and my dad put up our Christmas tree...I was such in a Christmassy- mood..It was so much fun..I was like singing and everything. then when me and my dad were getting out the decorations I found an eye-patch..I was wearing that around all night..I even wore it into Superfresh..were I saw Corlies!! ugh!! Brandi's boyfriend is the best ever! he's the cart boy at SuperFresh! He is so much fun..him and his mo-hawk..

So last night..I got smacked in the face with Christmas joy..literally.,,When me and my dad were putting our tree together ((Yes we have a fake tree EVERY year)) he hit me with a branch..it was funny...

I went Christmas shopping last night too! I still have to get Mandy ((Who I might add is the hardest person to buy stuff for)) and Marnie and Billy..and Nikki..Once I get them stuff..I'll be done!! Thank God..I hate Christmas shopping..

Yeah well..I'm gonna go..hey..if I'm bored enough, you might even get 2 updates in one day! haha

xox Jcee Maria

Follow me and everything is alright..

2005-12-03T02:38:16Z

I love this! Thank to you the girl that made this for me..even tho you will never see this! haha

It has pics from this summer and last summer..but it all reminds me of this summer..It was the greatest ever..It has a pic of Me and Adam when he was drunk on the porch..then Missy Me Mandy and My Momma..then Jess Missy and Me..then Missy troxell and Mandy "Troxell sandwhich!" I love everyone that made my summer great..Please..If there is one thing I will ask all those ppl..never forget all the great times we had and don't turn your backs on the ones you love..We all became one big family that summer!

Even the wrong words seem to rhyme.

2005-11-30T15:56:53Z

Yeah so..I'm in school..Im Mr.Holmes room...Updating my LJ..well, I guess there is a first time for everything you know? God I hate school..with a passion..So far I've had Health, Computer, and music. Now i'm in a computer ECO..yay...I'm just jumping for joy!((Note sarcasam)) So..I think I'm offically bored to the point where I might do anything just to have fun..like go jump around in a snake pit or someting..or stab myself in the face! but..you know..There are other options..

I'm so proud of myself..Last night I started writing a story ((Yes a Hanson fan fic)) It's realli good..I'm so happi..the other day i read over some of my old stories...I didn't realize how much they sucked until now..So this is my apology to anyone that I made read them..My new story is called "Sweet Melissah" Yes with an 'H'..just for missy..It's about this girl who's parents died a year ago in a car crash and now her lil brother "Aiden" and her live with the Hansons,Their god-parents. So, all of the Hanson's hate her except for Zac, Walker, and Avery. She always goes out and partii's and Zac always has to bring her home from parties when she is drunk. ((That's how the story starts.)) I don't know the rest of the plot yet...but last night I just started writing and that's what it turened out to be.

Wow, I still have like 17 min. ((yes i did count the min. That's how bored I am.))

Lets see..what random things can i talk about..

I've been hangin out with Joey all day, nothing bad has happened so far..just watch..by the end of the day something will happen and I will want to shoot eveyone I see in the face. Like I explained to Lindsey this morning. My mood is horrible in the mornings and I want to punch everyone. but then as the day goes on my mood slowly starts to get better, and then by last mod someone or something does something to get me pissed off. Then it's back to the beginning..I just hate people..So there Missy, You can stop asking why I'm so bitchy when I come home. Maybe if we had some music in Mandy's car I could sing along and that could bring my mood up some..God..I sound like a sim now..haha..((Adam- This has to be one of the boring games I have ever watched.))

Now I have 12 min. Yay! ((sarcasam again!))

Yeah, so I'm gonna go..check my mail or something. This Eco sucks, I should write a poem..

During Eco, I had nothing to do.
Did you?
I think Aaron Baney is absent
kinda quabsent..
I just made another word.
Today has been great so far
Missy wants to own a bar
She also wants to die at 24.
only 10 more min. till I'm out that door.
this poem just came off the top of my head.
I realli wish I could go sleep in my bed.
Last night I had a realli bad dream.
When my dad woke me it made me scream.
There was a ghost named Sam.
kinda like Grace's boy toy.
okay soy?
haha soy is a funny word.
missy likes the word terd..

haha..that poem sucked!

Well..this time I'm realli gonna go..

xoxo Jcee Maria

jcee_x_maria @ 2005-11-28T22:06:00

2005-11-29T03:17:12Z

Yeah..so..grace and kim came over last night and spent the night..be the night before that they came over too....It was so much fun hangin out with them..For awhile we were hangin in my room just doin shit on the computer..takin some stupid ass quizzez..((haha..Kim, I didn't know there were different kinds of drunks)) Then we went downstairs and watched the Ring 2..we kept scaring the shit out of eachother..Kimmi was the only one that had seen it so she would scream at random parts nd make me nd Grace scream..we were like clingin on to kimmi through the entire movie..haha nd grace was the escamo..don't ask..then we stopped the movie and we went upstairs to get something to drink but kimmi went back downstairs and when me nd grace went down she jumped out at us and I screamed bloody murder..even tho i knew it was coming...Then Mandy came out of her room and yelled at us for screaming..but we couldn't help it..that movie is fuckin creepy as all hell..and I was like flippin out at the movie bc it didn't make any sense..nd I was like.."If my kid ever calls me Rachel..I'm gonna be so pissed off." And Grace and KImmi just started laughing..I don;t know why..Haha..
Then last night when they slept over..we finished watching the ring 2..then we watched troy..((Haha Kimmi..Someone should invent Pants! They deff. Need some pants!)) haha..That was so much fun making fun of everyone in it..In the middle of the movie..Justin and dustin came down..Missy keeps tryin to get me to get together with Dustin..Like thats ever gonna happen..he ruined all of his chances when he called me a whore on the bus..but yeah..we were like making fun of everyone in the movie troy..and we named them all..brad pitt was brad..Orlando bloom was orlando..Brad Pitt's cousin in the movie was Zac (yes after Zac Hanson.) God that boy was hot..Then we watched The Sisterhood of the traveling Pants..That was so funny..((Kim..See, now this movie has pants.)) haha..Me and Grace were like crying nd stuff..Grace got mad at the movie and threw the box of tissues at the tv..it was so funny..

Then today..we were playin charades..Haha..I had to be like a chimpmunk with antlers and like a demented polar bear..Kimmi had to like act out a dancing polar bear and a bunch of other crap..It was kinda like last time with the dying fish! haha..
Then we drew all over our faces..we had like lil mustaches and go-tees...and kimmi's forhead said. "MOM" and Grace's said "SARA" and mine Said "RACHEL" haha..that's what our new names our..thanks to my like Rachel thing..and Me and Kimmi came to the conclusion that my kid is gonna call her Auntie Kim..Or Auntie Toothbrush..Don't ask..haha..It was so much fun..Me and Grace were wearing our "I AM AN ORLANDO BLOOM FAN" shirts from Twin day in 5th grade..I'm surprised they still fit us..Kimmi still has her's but she didn't bring it..I was sad..but hey..It was just like old times..I love those girls! They deff..Made my weekend awesome..I so do not wanna go to school tomorrow..I freakin have gym..and I have to catch up on a bunch of shit..but oh well..

On the 14th of July, The smell of roses made her cry..

2005-11-23T17:18:34Z

Yeah so..Went home sick today..I have a bladder infection..great topic for the first REAL post on here don't ya think..

Whatever..I feel like shit..just waitin around for my Momma to get home!

xoxo
((By the way...Happy ThanksGiving Everyone!))

And you can't fight the tears that aint comin..or the moment of truth in your lies

2005-11-20T16:23:05Z

God..This LJ thing is harder than i thought..if ne one out there wants to help me out some..Please feel free!

xoxox

When I feel the snakes bit enter my veins...

2005-11-18T02:18:53Z

Yeah so this is my first entry..I'm still tryin to figure this thing out..This might take awhile